Clay Crosse - Satisfied In You lyrics

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I am trying to study but thoughts keep popping into my mind.  It totally sucks.  Yesterday, I felt better after talking with R. and with Alice (God sent her as an angel... she called for my mom but since my mom wasn’t there, she spent time talking with me over the phone.  Turns out she has period problems too, and she helped me to know that I was not alone.  She prayed with me... she’s so sweet.  I wish everyone was like her.  Thank God for Alice!).  Yeah, so I felt really touched that God would send these two people into my life to help me out.

After that, I tried to study, but I felt so down again and I started crying.  My suicidal thoughts had escalated to a 6 or 7 in severity (10 being the worst).  My sister and my mom helped cheer me up again, so it was okay.  Then it was time to go to sleep.  I started thinking about all the crappy stuff in my life again, and I couldn’t even concentrate on reading the Bible.  So I started crying again, and I couldn’t control it.  I couldn’t sleep and my mom was trying to cheer me up again.  I felt like I should call Tom, so I called him at about midnight.  Thank God for him too.  He listened and was very kind, and said he would pray for me.  He said he understood how I felt (he used to be Jong’s best friend and he knows other people with depression).  He’s gonna go to Zambia for missions next year.  I’m so glad for him.

Anyway, so this morning I felt better but I still couldn’t concentrate on studying.  Seems like every time I think I’m alright, Satan tries to get me down again.  And if making me sad is his goal, he’s pretty much winning.  But if getting me to lose faith in God is his goal, then he’s never gonna win.  But there are times when I feel like I’ll never get better, from depression, from my stupid period, from my cold, everything.  But then I remember Geraldine telling me I should keep on believing, that I will get better, I just have to repeat it to myself.

Yah, so stuff I’m thinking about now... I’m thinking about Kathee.  I haven’t seen her for months.  I’m supposed to be her spiritual mentor.  I kept trying to contact her through calling her and facebooking her, but she never answers.  What’s going on?  I saw on her facebook that she has a boyfriend now.  I’m so worried about her, because the last boyfriend that she had just made her drunk and do bad stuff and lose faith in God.  She had broken up with that guy and was getting back on the right track, so I don’t know who this new boyfriend is now.  I’m praying for her.  Hard.  I wonder if she’s avoiding me because she’s trying to run away from God.  Which never works because God is everywhere.

Yeah, I was supposed to work with her on organizing an outreach event, but I guess that’ll never happen, since she’s not even contacting me.  I wonder what happened to Ange.  She was the one who had the idea of the outreach event, but it fell apart cuz she was going thru a lot of personal stuff and then it also wasn’t the right time... there were other problems too, but I don’t want to go into it.  Basically, I still think it’s God’s will that the outreach event will eventually happen, just maybe not the way we expect it. 

Maybe my anxiety is coming back, that’s why I can never concentrate on studying.  Also cuz FREB28 is turning out to be a history course, and I really hate memorizing history stuff. I’d rather memorize psychology or do French grammar.  Seriously!  I don’t know what I was expecting when I took B28.  I guess maybe more about the culture of French people in different countries, not a history lesson.  Oh well.

I’m trying really hard not to hate Margaret, trying hard to forgive H and D, and yeah... wishing that my dad would actually talk to me.  He expects me to answer him immediately when he asks me stuff, but when I ask him something, a lot of times he acts as if I’m not even there.  At least he still says good morning when I say good morning to him.  But when I say hi to him when he picks me up from school, he says absolutely nothing.  Yesterday I was asking my family members for donations for war relief in Congo (by the way, you guys, please help: www.cbm.org).  And when I asked my dad, he just stared at the refrigerator.  I guess you can’t expect much from him cuz he’s worried about finances.  But my mom and my sister said they would donate.

At least it’s gotten better over the years.  He used to love my sister more than me.  And when I saw my sister’s photo on his dashboard and not mine, I started to cry.  Actually thank God for depression, because otherwise he would yell at me a lot more, like he used to.  My mom tells him not to yell at me cuz otherwise I’d get more depressed.  So he doesn’t.  Thank God.

I was talking to Sharon when she drove me home, and she asked me what happened to the cruise ship job I was supposed to go on this past summer.  I told her about how they didn’t let ppl taking depression medication to work with them.  She turned to look straight at me and said a bit loudly...“Is that you?”.  Well... yeah.  I think she was shocked that such a happy person like me could have depression.  Well, actually, two of my friends who have depression are also very happy people.  Anyway...

Everything happens within God’s will.  God is truly in control and I shouldn’t really worry.  It’s just hard, you know?  I have to write everything down so that I can just forget about it.  I wish my dad became a Christian.

I know lots of people have so many more troubles than me, and I really don’t want to complain.  I just want people to know what’s going on, you know?  I’m that kind of person, I don’t want to fake a smile, I don’t want to be part of a stained-glass masquerade.  I don’t want to lie.  The most I can do is beat around the bush or be very vague.

I sometimes wonder... when Jesus was being tempted and Satan asked him to stand at the top of the temple and jump down, was Satan basically telling him to commit suicide?

God understands how I feel.  J  I’m so glad about that.

Blessed be Your name

when I’m found in the desert place,

on the road marked with suffering,

blessed be Your name

When the darkness closes in, Lord,

still I will say, blessed be Your name.

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, blessed be Your name

I know I’m weak

I know I’m unworthy

to call upon Your name

but because of grace

because of Your mercy

I stand here unashamed

Thank You, God, for being a God of miracles.

3:40 am Thursday, December 04, 2008

Dangit, I’m up at 3am again.  The past day has been okay in terms of feeling depressed (well, maybe not THAT okay, but still) but TERRIBLE in terms of the amount of times I’ve been tempted.  Seriously, I’d rather feel depressed than have to face temptation.  Because when I fall into temptation, I know God is watching and I know I’m being unfaithful, and I just feel like the worst.

Let me talk about the depression first.  It’s less embarrassing.  I almost cut myself yesterday.  I know, I know.  It’s the pressure I’m feeling from my parents.  Yesterday, I felt like I wasn’t caring about them enough.  That, plus my sister was rebuking me about my bad attitude.  So I felt really guilty and I tried to find something sharp in my room to cut myself with.  I had drawn a cross on my left wrist to try and remind myself not to cut myself, but this time I just felt so rash about it, I didn’t care.  Thank God, there was nothing sharp in my room, and the hair clip I used didn’t work.  Thank God.  I’m afraid, so afraid, to tell this to others.  What if they also get depression or decide to cut themselves because of what I’ve said here?

God, please deliver me, please help me.  I need a way out.

My temptations are going so strong that I feel helpless to resist.  I don’t even want to try anymore.  I’ve never felt so tempted in my life.  I need to get back to www.xxxchurch.com.  No, it’s not porn.  It’s another thing.  I feel like I’m being unfaithful to God, and unfaithful to my future husband.  God, it’s so bad.  I think it’s so bad because I know God wouldn’t let me be tempted by Satan more than I can handle.  I have to flee from sexual temptation.  Resisting is futile.  Must flee.  God please help me to have the strength and courage to flee.

I think I need to talk to Paula again.  I don’t care how busy she is with her baby.  Pastor Kelly’s already got a suicidal person to take care of, I don’t want to burden her.  I need to talk to Paula again.  Dangit. This is so embarrassing.

Things I need to focus on...

-memorizing Bible verses

-teaching Bible class

-Christmas choir

-listening to Christian music

-getting accountability

-helping the sisters in my cell group

I feel like SUCH a hypocrite.  I don’t mean to be.  I just feel like... how can a girl nicknamed puritydove be so, so filthy?????  God, please purify my heart and my body.  I need You to rescue me from sin.  I don’t want to go down Satan’s road, I want to go down Yours.

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